Poop knife for sale

Yes, this is for real!

Do you, your friends, or your family poop big?? Do those logs sometimes need a little help going down? Endlessly spinning poops will mock you from the toilet vortex no more! This knife will chop the most compacted of brownies, the most seasoned of sausages, can handle the hardwood of butt logs, the longest of sewer snakes, the most ferocious of bog crocodiles, and the fattest of heaved Havanas.

Never to be mistaken for a box opener again, this poop knife is one of a kind – made from metal reinforced silicone it is strong, hygienic, and easy to clean. Guaranteed not to turn into a rusty punji stick.

Be a samurai of the porcelain poo poo platter.

• Be a samurai of the poo poo platter! This knife comes in *hilarious* packaging
• Ridiculous gag gift for friends and family, or daily necessity? You decide.
• Metal reinforced silicone is strong, hygienic, easy to clean, and dishwasher safe (if you dare)
• This will cut poop! Tested on the most ferocious of bog crocodiles without a fight. Curious about what an Original Poop Knife feels like? Imagine a heavy silicone covered butter knife.
• Long enough to keep your hand clear of danger in a standard depth toilet

The Poop knife story

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.